Haven’t Found It Yet? What If It’s Mindset!

September 4, 2018

I was so frus­trat­ed!  I had hired a coach to help me learn how to build my busi­ness and work on my mind­set and I felt like she was hang­ing me out to dry.  I want­ed to scream, fire her, and go it alone…except that in every oth­er area of my life I knew that I had grown by leaps and bounds with her.  Why couldn’t I seem to fig­ure this part out?

So, I asked her. Con­tin­u­al­ly, she reflect­ed back to me that I was approach­ing the finances in fear, like it wasn’t avail­able, or like I couldn’t have it, or like it wasn’t real­ly pos­si­ble for me to get it. She would encour­age me to jour­nal, to pray, to get into a state of peace around it and lis­ten.

And I had done all that and still felt like I wasn’t find­ing what I need­ed. But I did trust her.  I trust­ed that she could see some­thing I couldn’t. So I went and got all messy. And I’m so glad I did because it helped me see what was get­ting in the way.

I just men­tioned to my clients the oth­er day that when we have a yucky thought about a deci­sion that we can’t seem to make, it’s impor­tant to admit the yuck so you can deal with it.  I sug­gest­ed it was like feel­ing like you need to throw up and hold­ing it down.  Most of us know that it just feels so much bet­ter if you go ahead and vom­it and then the tum­my set­tles down. In fact, what if you didn’t vom­it and it real­ly need­ed to get out some­how, so your body start­ed squirt­ing it out your pores?  EW!  We all had a good laugh, but the bot­tom line is, the yuck is going to come out one way or anoth­er.

Thus, my yuck had to come out.

 I wasn’t proud of it, I didn’t even know what all it was, but out it came.  At my coach.  And this is why we say that one of the most pow­er­ful things a coach can do is to hold space for some­one.  It was a safe place for me to dump all the vom­it, know­ing that she was will­ing to hold the buck­et for me. So I spewed.  I talked about how mad I was at her for not help­ing me, about how it felt frus­trat­ing that she knew how to find mon­ey, but didn’t seem will­ing to get involved in actu­al­ly help­ing me find it, and I was pay­ing her!  I just let the frus­tra­tion all fall out and at that moment, I hon­est­ly didn’t know what else to do. That felt like the thing that need­ed to be done–puke it up.  So there it was, all the blame, the frus­tra­tion, the anger, the irri­ta­tion that I kept hear­ing the same thing–you are just try­ing to make mon­ey but you are let­ting fear and needy dri­ve the train. Ah!!! Of course! Isn’t that real­i­ty?  I’m about to run out of mon­ey and I haven’t fig­ured this out yet! Isn’t it dol­lars and cents at some point?  Isn’t it about the bot­tom line of a busi­ness and whether it can sur­vive if you don’t have the mon­ey?  Gah!!!

So, off my mes­sage went to her, and then I set it down and ate din­ner with my fam­i­ly. After din­ner, while of course this is all still heavy on my mind, the kids want­ed to go for an evening swim.

Go find your bathing suits,” I instruct­ed.

Justin and Joseph play in the mud­dy lake

Off they ran. In about 5 min­utes, the sev­en year old came back with his reg­u­lar sto­ry: the bathing suit can’t be found.

I can’t find it, Mama! I’ve looked every­where!  It isn’t where I put it. I need you to find it because I think it just got tak­en by some­one else!”

I’m pret­ty sure it has dis­ap­peared!”

Now, if this were the first time I had heard this sto­ry, I might be will­ing to go and help look for it. After all, at first he didn’t even know places to look.  But this was not the first time, it was about the 42nd time. So I said, “Bud­dy, I know your bathing suit didn’t dis­ap­pear.  Did you look in the dirty clothes?  (Yes) The laun­dry room? (Yes) Out­side on the hooks? (Yes) Well then, I guess you are going to have to just keep look­ing.”

He lost it.  He fell apart. He was angry with me.

But I can’t find it!  I want to swim and I can’t find it!”

My heart hurt for him. I want­ed him to be able to swim, but I knew that the best way to help him was to let him find that bathing suit on his own, oth­er­wise I’d be find­ing it for him for­ev­er. He need­ed to know that he could find it him­self. I encour­aged him, “Ok, we know the bathing suit didn’t just dis­ap­pear.”

(He wasn’t so sure.)

And it’s prob­a­bly where you left it last or where you usu­al­ly find it.”

He wasn’t con­vinced. And my thought in that moment was:

It’s not help­ing to look for some­thing when he doesn’t believe it actu­al­ly can be found or even exists. It makes it eas­i­er to give up.”

By then every­one was ready except him and I walked down to the lake to life­guard while he stayed in the house mad as hor­nets look­ing for his swim­suit.

After all of about 60 sec­onds sit­ting by the water and calm­ing down from the stress­ful con­ver­sa­tions with my son, it hit me how close­ly our sto­ries were relat­ed and I exclaimed, “Oh, the mon­ey is just a stu­pid bathing suit!”

I was act­ing just like my son.

I had looked in the places I thought of, it wasn’t there, and because I am not super con­fi­dent in my abil­i­ty to find it, I doubt that it can be found.  It would be so much eas­i­er if some­one who knows how to find the mon­ey could help me look for it!  And they said, “NO!”  We both pitched our fits, we both were con­vinced that our help was being incon­sid­er­ate, and we both were spend­ing way to much ener­gy on the pos­si­bil­i­ty that it didn’t actu­al­ly exist!  And just like that I could see how my mind­set was get­ting in the way. It was easy to tell my son the bathing suit was real and was some­where.  It was easy for me to see that I wasn’t unkind for mak­ing him find it, that it was a gift to him.  And it was easy for me to decide that the process was worth him doing, even if he didn’t go swim­ming that day. He need­ed to learn he could find it, the lake wasn’t going any­where, it would be there tomor­row.

Alter­na­tive­ly, I could see that I need­ed to learn that the mon­ey was there.  That it can be found.  That giv­ing any sort of ener­gy and time to won­der­ing if it isn’t there is a waste and detri­men­tal to find­ing it more quick­ly.  I could see how just because I’ve looked in places already didn’t mean they were the wrong places.  I could see how just because I hadn’t come up with new places yet, didn’t mean there weren’t new places to look.  I could see how a mind­set of believ­ing that the mon­ey is there, that it’s pos­si­ble to find, and that I can find it can make all the dif­fer­ence in the world.

So, my ques­tion for you is this?  What are you treat­ing like the bathing suit?  What have you decid­ed in a lit­tle kid fit can’t be fig­ured out or found or gained?  What have you decid­ed that you have looked every­where for, tried every way imag­in­able, and now you think maybe it isn’t real or can’t be found? Who are you angry at because they can do it, but aren’t “help­ing” you?

Can you see the mind­set here?

  Can you catch a glimpse of how we allow the thoughts of scarci­ty to impact our abil­i­ty to find what we are look­ing for? Can you see why it’s so hard some­times to get what we say we want? Espe­cial­ly, when our actions begin to reflect that what we want is for some­one else to do the work for us, or we just want to be right that it can’t be found.

Don’t let the fear of “what if it’s not pos­si­ble” keep you from look­ing for what­ev­er it is you’re hop­ing to find. 

Of course it’s there. It’s just a sil­ly bathing suit and it can’t sprout legs and just walk away.

Of course, he found it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Mary Aldrich Coaching
©2018 Mary Aldrich Coaching
Design by Sandford Design and Illustration
Ask me anything!

Living in fear and anxiety is a habit. Just like we can make new choices to not chew on our fingernails, we can choose to live in joy and freedom.